Pieces of Me

Numb. Absolutely freakin numb is what I feel. I feel so far removed from myself right now. I feel like a zombie moving through someone else's life. People ask me "how are you?" and I have to say "all right" because I feel I can say that with a straight face and not totally break down. That is until I have to mention what happened to Mike, like yesterday when I had to ask for time off. I just lost it before I could even get the words out. Its like saying it somehow makes it real. Everything feels like it is a bad dream or part of some heart-wrenching movie. That girl in the mirror bawling her eyes out and wailing could not possibly be me. She must just be an actor who's really good at it.

At the same time that I feel so far removed from myself I am processing things and last night I came to a realization. I feel that when Mike took his own life, he also took a chunk of mine. Its like my life and heart are divided into pieces each devoted to some different part of my life. When Mike died, part of me died too. He represented so much of my life here in Regina. He was a huge part of my first two years of university which were some of the best years of my life. He represented my first experience having guy friends who felt more like brothers. There were no pretentions with Mike (if that is the right word). If he was coming over I would never have to change my clothes or do my hair or put on makeup because it didn't matter. I could belch and fart in front of him without feeling any shame. In fact, he would be impressed. Every time I let out a good belch, I would think, "Mike would have been proud". I remember he stopped knocking when he came over because it was no longer necessary. That is until I left my bedroom door (which was in plain site of the entrance door) open and was changing and he walked in. Let's just say the rule was revised. Mike represented comfiness and freedom to be myself. I know that I have changed since first year university (see previous posts) and I think Mike's death has changed me even more as the piece of me that can allow myself to be free around other people has partially died. Who knows if it will grow back?

So here's to you buddy.....comfiness and freedom. May every belch from my mouth be a tribute to you.