Mike Mike Mike

That has been the theme in my life these past few days:

-listening to the CDs that I have that were his
-reading the Christmas card I gave him this last year
-talking about emotional eating and comfort foods on the way to funerals (spawned by a lady asking if she really needed the brownies and coffee to double her Air Miles because she was on her way to a funeral)--> I ate so bad the week Mike died but I didn't care
-cleaning out my email inbox and reading emails from Mike
-disappointment and heartache when I double check just to see if his website is still up and discover it is not and never will be again
-hearing someone saying "poop" and just thinking "POOOO!!!!"
-listening to Trisha telling her testimony (which included Mike's death) in the very living room where I fell off the couch to my knees screaming "NOOOO!!!!" just after I had heard the news and hung up the phone
-remembering that he auditioned for Canadian Idol this year
-recapping Mike's (Julia's husband) first trip to Mike's grave with Julia
-recalling so that I could tell Mike (Julia's husband) what it was like to stand at my friend's grave and try to be strong for the others I was with and then totally breaking down screaming seconds after I thought I was doing fine
-remembering what it felt like to have my heart break
-remembering what it felt like to scream in terror, fear, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, and confusion as I stood there and saw Mike, the guy who was supposed to be my hope and success story, the guy who was me, lying there cold in a casket and then being lowered into the cold ground.
-thinking about how hard it is to say "my friend committed suicide" in a clear voice while looking someone in the eye
-discussing with co-workers what would be a "fun" suicide as opposed to a "boring one"

Mike, Mike, Mike, you have been on my mind and I miss you my friend. I wish you had not left so soon. Had it been some freak car accident that took you I could at least be mad at a drunk or careless driver, something physical. But that' s not the case and I'm left here mad at something else. Something not tangible, I can't put a name to it but it tormented you and drove you to the only final solution you could think of. Life hurts sometimes, it hurts so bad. Its confusing, its frustrating, its angering, its bittersweet, sometimes more bitter, sometimes more sweet. And each morning you wake up is a reminder that you are still in your own life, not in the perfect one you imagined, not in someone else's mind, not in someone else's body but in the same body and mind you were born with and you are forced to cope however you can. Sometimes all we can do is try to cope while we sit there and wonder why....Why do things have to happen the way they do? Why me? Why them? Why us? Why now? Why not now? Why was I created the way I was? Why do I have the thoughts I do? Why can't I shake the monkey on the back? Why? Why? Why? And we hope and pray that we will one day have the answers.....one day our questions will turn to "how's" and we will know why things were the way they were, and why we are the way we are. I hope we can all keep walking, one foot in front of the other until we reach the road of understanding or at least acceptance.