Season of change

Today I looked out the window and saw that suddenly there were a lot of leaves on the ground and it was pretty chilly out today. Its like it seemed to happen so fast before I even realized fall was here. Huh, kind of like my life. It seems like every fall something major in my life changes. Probably has something to do with the beginning of the schoolyear but sometimes its more than that. It feels like the last few falls I have lost a part of me and it looks like this fall the same thing will happen. It seems like when the leaves start to fall I start to get depressed. And just like a leaf that falls from a tree can never grow on that tree again, I feel like I will never be the same again. This year is different though. As mentioned in my previous post, I am struggling with a severe case of jealousy mixed in with the depression. I am a very angry, bitter, controlling person. If I were just depressed I would be able to handle that because I've rode out my depressive periods before. And usually most of my friendships remain somewhat the same throughout my depressive states. But this time around it seems like some of my friendships are changing, which doesn't help when I already don't feel like myself because it just leaves me questioning things even more. The jealousy component just adds to things because my jealousy, anger and frustration gets aroused when I see some of my friends shutting me out and opening up to others instead. Jealousy, anger, and insecurity have pretty much immobilized me and eaten away at my soul. My friends tell me not to listen to Satan's lies but that is all that seems real to me right now. He whispers in my ear and I am bound. Even in church on Sunday I could not sing all of the songs because I just didn't believe all of them. The one that I really could sing was "Arms of Love". That song always makes me break down because it talks about God bringing me near and completely surrounding me with His arms of love and it just overwhelms me.

Anyways, all that being said, I feel so confused right now. I know my friends care about me but it seems like all they want to do is fix me. I feel like a case study, or some sort of problem that needs to be resolved. It seems my struggles are all that define me in some of my friend's eyes right now. I can understand why people who are terminally ill do not want to talk about their sickness all of the time. It makes you feel like that is all there is to you. I just want a shot of normalcy! I mean, I don't expect or want everyone to assume that I am perfect and everything is just peachy but at the same time I don't want to dwell on my problems 24/7. I want to be able to hang out with my friends like I used to and have fun once in awhile. Is it wrong to want that kind of escape once in awhile? I mean, really, there are other more destructive temporary escape routes I could take, but I don't want to be that kind of person.

I am told to not shut people out and to focus on myself and getting better. Yet it seems others are shutting me out and avoiding me. And then when I focus on myself I just feel alone and ugly because everyone is shutting me out and trying to be "gentle" with me so I can heal. A couple of my friends had a talk with me the other night about what I was going through. In that talk I remember them telling me I shouldn't be jealous if they didn't tell me everything all the time. They said its OK to need different people at different times and that is was alright for an individual to go to different friends for different needs. And yet last night seemed to totally contradict what they said. The same friends were out with my sister and she stepped aside to have some privacy and called me to see how I was doing. I ended up venting to her and I felt comfortable doing so because she was alone and said she wouldn't tell them what I said. You know how sometimes you just want a safe place/person to vent to and you just want to know that what you say wont' leave the conversation between the two of you? Or am I the only one that feels this way? Cause sometimes when I am venting I say stupid things but I just need to get them out anyways. Anyways....when my sister returned to the other 2 people she was obviously upset. Instead of asking my sister if she was alright they just kept asking her "What did she say? What did she say?" (maybe that's their way of asking my sister what was wrong with her?) Its like they wanted to know everything. But doesn't that go against the idea of needing different people at different times? Was it wrong for me to vent to my sister and not them? I mean, my sister was the one who called and so I vented to her. If they wanted to know how I was doing they could have called me. Maybe all I needed right then at that moment was my sister and I thought that they would respect that.

So today I am left the same as always: confused and hurting, not sure where I belong. I basically told one of my good friends that I was letting her go and that is tough to do. She has been closing herself off from me so that I can get better. However, that hurts because she is one of the only ones who truly understands depression because she struggles with it too. So I'm not sure if she is closing herself off because she knows what I am going through and it hurts and she's tired of having to deal with it or what. But it just left me so confused because the foundation of our friendship used to be that we could be open and honest with each other and that is crumbling right now as she closes herself off from me. She says I need to be more open and honest but I feel like a broken record "No, I'm not OK. Yes, I am still hurting and very lost and confused (cry, cry, cry). Yes, I did think of harming myself today." And it always seems to come back to that. I know she has offered that I can come over to her house to stay the night if I am scared I will harm myself and I know I have refused over and over again. But honestly I can sleep through anything once I'm asleep and when I am depressed I just want the comfort of my bed (even its kind of crappy and not comfortabel, its familiar) so bad. That's really what it boils down to I guess. I don't want to go to the extra effort of thinking what I need to take to change into the next day etc. because rifght now I can barely make those decisions the day of. So now she has pulled away from me....we were supposed to hang out and chat last night but she wasn't feeling well and she ended up going for wings. She seems to be enjoying life without me so I told her that I would let her go because that seems to be what she wants. Its going to be incredibly hard but I don't want to force her to be my friend any longer if she doesn't want to be. At the same time I know I can't completley let go because I felt I poured a lot of myself into that relationship and now a huge chunk of me will be missing. Its going to be very hard because she is also friends with my sister and other people I know so I will eventually run into her. I wonder what will happen then. Right now I guess I am kind of waiting for a response from her to see if that is really what she wants: for me to let her go. I guess it goes along the lines of if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. We'll see I guess...

Lately the song "Wake me up when September Ends" by GreenDay has been on my mind so much. It expresses so much of how I feel right now....I just want to go to sleep for awhile....stay in bed and not get up for quite awhile... I would change the title though to "Wake me up when November ends" because right now September is almost over. Anyways....here are the lyrics.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
ecoming who we are.
As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.[x3]