Give and Take

So relationships (or the lack thereof in my case) have been the theme of these past few days. I had someone tell me last weekend "You're a machine" because I was going non-stop at work. At the time I was like, "yeah, that's right.....I can outwork anyone" but then later on I got to thinking how much truth there was in what she said. Over the past few months I have become a machine. Currently I am taking 16 credit hours at school (which is just over a full course load) and working two different jobs. The average number of hours I work per week has been up anywhere from 25-30. In essence, I am working almost full-time and going to school full-time. Somedays I do feel like a machine. I drag myself out of bed in the morning and get myself going and I don't stop until I fall back into bed, usually late. I cannot remember the last time I had 9 hours of sleep. I usually average around 5 which means I'm coming up short. Somedays I am school from 8:30 am-12:00 am working on homework and going to class. Other days I go to school until 3 and then work an 8-hour shift. I have no time for a life. Somedays I can barely check my email I am so tired when I get home. I have no time to feel and have thus lost emotion. I have become insensitive and cold but somedays it almost seems easier than what I was "feeling" last semester....other days not. Some days I don't feel human because I feel inadequate in relating to other humans. Then there are days when I have a redemption moment when I really connect with people. Like yesterday after my lab I stood in the hallway talking to 3 of my classmates.....one of which I had never met or spoken to before. I quite enjoyed that.

So for the past few days/weeks I have been reflecting on my life. Last semester my counsellor and I were talking about how I tend to be monogomous in my relationships and pour everything into one person. Then we got to talking how it is better to branch out more so that all of your eggs are not in one basket so to speak. However, I have no baskets right now. There are really not relationships in my life at this time. In a recent conversation with a friend we were talking about "give and take".....a phrase so many of us use often. But what does it mean? Does it have an absolute meaning or is it different for everyone? See to me, when I think give, I think "listen" because that's what I do best. Those who know me know I am not much of a talker most of the time. I think I take after my dad in that regard. I have never been good at the "expressing my emotions" and when asked a question I will sometimes give brief answers because half the time I can't think of words to describe what I am thinking.....a girl of few words....that's what I've always been. I give (and perhaps take) by listening and that has always seemed to be my role in relationships. Other people give by talking and still others give other ways. So really.....to toss a question out there because I've just kind of been kind of wondering about this....who defines the giving? The giver or the receiver? What defines give and take? Those are my musings running through my head as I ponder how I give and take or if I just give or just take.