Season of change

Today I looked out the window and saw that suddenly there were a lot of leaves on the ground and it was pretty chilly out today. Its like it seemed to happen so fast before I even realized fall was here. Huh, kind of like my life. It seems like every fall something major in my life changes. Probably has something to do with the beginning of the schoolyear but sometimes its more than that. It feels like the last few falls I have lost a part of me and it looks like this fall the same thing will happen. It seems like when the leaves start to fall I start to get depressed. And just like a leaf that falls from a tree can never grow on that tree again, I feel like I will never be the same again. This year is different though. As mentioned in my previous post, I am struggling with a severe case of jealousy mixed in with the depression. I am a very angry, bitter, controlling person. If I were just depressed I would be able to handle that because I've rode out my depressive periods before. And usually most of my friendships remain somewhat the same throughout my depressive states. But this time around it seems like some of my friendships are changing, which doesn't help when I already don't feel like myself because it just leaves me questioning things even more. The jealousy component just adds to things because my jealousy, anger and frustration gets aroused when I see some of my friends shutting me out and opening up to others instead. Jealousy, anger, and insecurity have pretty much immobilized me and eaten away at my soul. My friends tell me not to listen to Satan's lies but that is all that seems real to me right now. He whispers in my ear and I am bound. Even in church on Sunday I could not sing all of the songs because I just didn't believe all of them. The one that I really could sing was "Arms of Love". That song always makes me break down because it talks about God bringing me near and completely surrounding me with His arms of love and it just overwhelms me.

Anyways, all that being said, I feel so confused right now. I know my friends care about me but it seems like all they want to do is fix me. I feel like a case study, or some sort of problem that needs to be resolved. It seems my struggles are all that define me in some of my friend's eyes right now. I can understand why people who are terminally ill do not want to talk about their sickness all of the time. It makes you feel like that is all there is to you. I just want a shot of normalcy! I mean, I don't expect or want everyone to assume that I am perfect and everything is just peachy but at the same time I don't want to dwell on my problems 24/7. I want to be able to hang out with my friends like I used to and have fun once in awhile. Is it wrong to want that kind of escape once in awhile? I mean, really, there are other more destructive temporary escape routes I could take, but I don't want to be that kind of person.

I am told to not shut people out and to focus on myself and getting better. Yet it seems others are shutting me out and avoiding me. And then when I focus on myself I just feel alone and ugly because everyone is shutting me out and trying to be "gentle" with me so I can heal. A couple of my friends had a talk with me the other night about what I was going through. In that talk I remember them telling me I shouldn't be jealous if they didn't tell me everything all the time. They said its OK to need different people at different times and that is was alright for an individual to go to different friends for different needs. And yet last night seemed to totally contradict what they said. The same friends were out with my sister and she stepped aside to have some privacy and called me to see how I was doing. I ended up venting to her and I felt comfortable doing so because she was alone and said she wouldn't tell them what I said. You know how sometimes you just want a safe place/person to vent to and you just want to know that what you say wont' leave the conversation between the two of you? Or am I the only one that feels this way? Cause sometimes when I am venting I say stupid things but I just need to get them out anyways. Anyways....when my sister returned to the other 2 people she was obviously upset. Instead of asking my sister if she was alright they just kept asking her "What did she say? What did she say?" (maybe that's their way of asking my sister what was wrong with her?) Its like they wanted to know everything. But doesn't that go against the idea of needing different people at different times? Was it wrong for me to vent to my sister and not them? I mean, my sister was the one who called and so I vented to her. If they wanted to know how I was doing they could have called me. Maybe all I needed right then at that moment was my sister and I thought that they would respect that.

So today I am left the same as always: confused and hurting, not sure where I belong. I basically told one of my good friends that I was letting her go and that is tough to do. She has been closing herself off from me so that I can get better. However, that hurts because she is one of the only ones who truly understands depression because she struggles with it too. So I'm not sure if she is closing herself off because she knows what I am going through and it hurts and she's tired of having to deal with it or what. But it just left me so confused because the foundation of our friendship used to be that we could be open and honest with each other and that is crumbling right now as she closes herself off from me. She says I need to be more open and honest but I feel like a broken record "No, I'm not OK. Yes, I am still hurting and very lost and confused (cry, cry, cry). Yes, I did think of harming myself today." And it always seems to come back to that. I know she has offered that I can come over to her house to stay the night if I am scared I will harm myself and I know I have refused over and over again. But honestly I can sleep through anything once I'm asleep and when I am depressed I just want the comfort of my bed (even its kind of crappy and not comfortabel, its familiar) so bad. That's really what it boils down to I guess. I don't want to go to the extra effort of thinking what I need to take to change into the next day etc. because rifght now I can barely make those decisions the day of. So now she has pulled away from me....we were supposed to hang out and chat last night but she wasn't feeling well and she ended up going for wings. She seems to be enjoying life without me so I told her that I would let her go because that seems to be what she wants. Its going to be incredibly hard but I don't want to force her to be my friend any longer if she doesn't want to be. At the same time I know I can't completley let go because I felt I poured a lot of myself into that relationship and now a huge chunk of me will be missing. Its going to be very hard because she is also friends with my sister and other people I know so I will eventually run into her. I wonder what will happen then. Right now I guess I am kind of waiting for a response from her to see if that is really what she wants: for me to let her go. I guess it goes along the lines of if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. We'll see I guess...

Lately the song "Wake me up when September Ends" by GreenDay has been on my mind so much. It expresses so much of how I feel right now....I just want to go to sleep for awhile....stay in bed and not get up for quite awhile... I would change the title though to "Wake me up when November ends" because right now September is almost over. Anyways....here are the lyrics.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
ecoming who we are.
As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.[x3]

The Jealousy Game

So every time I think that things are going along good in my life I get hit by a Mac truck. That seems to be the only way God can get through to me though. It usually goes something like this....I pull away from God (stop spending regular time with Him), He tries to hint at something that I am struggling with, I ignore it and pretend that everything is all right and that I have it all together, He keeps trying to hint, I keep trying to ignore it. Then finally He gives up on trying to be subtle: He hits me hard with it and I careen along on the road of life, trying to keep the car on the road, almost crashing and burning. Usually I go along like that living on the edge until I let Him take the wheel. That's really all He wanted to do all along and I wouldn't let him.

Anyways....before that analogy gets to the point of non-intelligent or deciferable, the topic of the day is jealousy. That what God has been trying to get me to deal with for years. I can remember being a jealous person as far back as high school. It usually had to do with my friends. I was extremely jealous of anyone who got close to my close friends but I would just push it down inside thinking that some day either my friends would wake up and realize I wanted them just to myself or that my jealousy would go away. Yeah, neither of those really happened. Instead, I continued to be jealous and the jealousy started nibbling away at my soul. It kept resurfacing again and again and everytime it came up, it got worse and worse. Finally about 3 weeks ago my jealousy reached its peak. Jealousy had turned me into some kind of monster. I became severely depressed and very controlling and bitter towards those who were close to me. I think I could identify with some of what my friend Mike was dealing with before he passed away: it felt like there was someone else living in my body. It was like there was this monster that was taking over Karen. I remember being so so angry that I would get physiologically roused. By that I mean, my heartrate would just shoot up, I would be near hyperventilating, and it felt like someone was tearing and twisting my stomach apart. It scared me so bad but somehow I thought I could still ignore it. I am a out-of-sight, out-of-mind kinda person so I figured if I avoided the situations and people who were making me jealous, I would be all right. Well, that didn't work because the only way to do that would be to lock myself in a vaulted box in Northern Saskatchewan. Even then someone would likely pick the lock with my luck.

So after like 3 days of torturing myself and barely hanging in there I finally made a connection: for the last year or so I really hadn't been spending time with God. I actually wasn't doing devotions at all. I mean, it wasn't like one day I said "I am not going to do devotions anymore" but I didn't really make an effort to do them. And you know how when you have a void in your life it has to be filled with something? Well by not spending regular time with God I left the door open for Satan to stick his foot in and I definitely let him get a foothold. He had taken over. So I decided I needed to change that. I started spending time with God regularly again and He started showing me things again (funny how that works, hey?). I started reading in 1 Corinthians because my aim was to make it to chapter 13, the classic love Chapter because that is what I thought I needed to focusing on was loving people. I kept reading through Paul's letters to the church and discovered something: I am not the first one to deal with jealousy like this. I mean, other people had told me in the past that they had been jealous, but I figured that really, no one else seems to have a problem like me. Jealousy and envy were things that Paul addressed in his letters to several of the churches. It was obviously a huge concern back then too. Here's what I found:

"Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkeness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Romans 13:13, 14

"For I am afraid that when I come I many not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder." 2 Cor. 12:20

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery;idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy: drunkennes, orgies and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galations 5:19-21

"Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and the like." 1 Peter 2:1

So a few things stick out to me here: First off, jealousy is not of God at all, it is part of the sinful nature (see Galations reference). Jealousy has no place in someone who is filled with Holy Spirit. Wanting to posess people and keep them for yourselves is a selfish ambition (see Galations reference). Jealousy really has nothing to with love. It has everything to do with selfichness. When I am jealous of someone getting close to one of my close friends, I don't have my close friends best interests at heart. I am only thinking of myself, thinking that I am being robbed of something that I am entitled to. That is not what friendship and love is about in the first place. Loving someone means you have their best interests at heart even if it involves them getting close to other people too. I guess to me its more like having an eternal perspective than an earthly perspective: this life is not my own anymore, it belongs to God. My worth is not defined in human terms, it is defined by the way I show Christ's love to others. The second thing that stands out to me in these verses is just as I said before: I am not the only one who struggles with jealousy. And really, can anyone tell me that they have never ever been jealous in their lifetime? I think we have all played that game at one point. (If not, let me know. I'd like to get anyone who hasn't ever struggled with jealousy psychologically examined to see what the secret is).

So all of this is great but its only a start. It doesn't mean that I am instantly fixed. I mean, if you look at my last post and this one they seem to contradict each other: in the last post I was talking about how I want to get all deep with people and this post I am talking about trying to avoid people and be surfacey so that I don't have to deal with jealousy. Grrr....I hate being a hypocrite. I know this whole thing is a process that is going to take time and I'm not sure if I patient enough to wait it out. I've told some of my friends that jealousy will be the death of me. Some of them just laugh which kind of hurts because I am serious. I get so physiologically worked up when I am jealous that I worry I will give myself a heart attack. I hate myself so much when I am jealous. I am an ugly person on the inside and sometimes the only way I can think to stop the ugliness is to stop living. Yet part of me knows that God will carry me through. He's done it before. I mean, really, if it weren't for Him and His hand in my life I doubt I would be alive today. Its like I have this little flame of hope deep inside me. Its finally caught on some kindling and I hope it builds into a fire.

Lord Jesus, my Saviour, my Father
Please hold me in your arms
Cradle me so close to you
That I can feel your heart

Pour over me, breathe into me
Fill me with your Spirit
Push out all the ugliness
Make me beautiful again

Sick of Airbrushed Christianity

So I've had this title as my MSN banner for the last little while and it has got quite a lot of responses. This term came to mind when I saw a picture of Faith Hill on the Wal-Mart shopping cart rack and I hardly recognized her. She just looked too perfect. Her hair was a different colour and there was not a flaw or imperfection in her face. She just wasn't real...she looked airbrushed.

Most of my frustrations have to do with the church I attend. The College and Career/Young Adults group there is pretty large and I've been going for about 2 years now. However, I have never really felt like I have belonged and the only ones that I feel know me are the people that I was friends with before I started going there. I mean, I know that when you have you have larger groups cliques/smaller groups are bound to form, but with such a large group there should be at least some people that I gel with/fit in with. Sometimes I just feel like my hair isn't the right colour or I'm just not "cool" enough. So much of it seems so high school to me. Our College and Career seems all about "let's see how much fun we can have." Now don't get me wrong, I like to have fun, but I think people need more than that to feel fulfilled. It just seems like there is really no one there that could care less about how I am really doing. This has improved a little bit since smaller groups that meet on a weekly basis were formed. I mean, my small group is all right. I feel I can share somewhat openly there but within the larger group as a whole there seems to be this fear of going past the surface stuff because there might be hard stuff to deal with. People will ask "how are you?" while they are looking around for the next person to talk to. It seems everyone just wants to hear the "I'm doing good response" and then move on. I've dared some of my friends to tell people what they are really thinking or how they are really feeling during the Bible studies and then sit back and watch them freak out.
Its like at my church as a whole they just want to show people that Christians have perfect, happy lives because we have Jesus. Everyone is trying to be so stinkin happy all the time. Its like you have to bury all of the tough and ugly stuff you are dealing with and switch your "happy switch" when you walk in the door. I mean, really, one Sunday one of my good friends sat there just bawling in church and the person beside her just got up and left at the end of the service! Where's the love? I mean, I'm not saying that everything my church does is wrong. There are some things I love about my church: my pastor's preaching for example. He is a very engaging speaker and does not skirt around the tough stuff that most people avoid. Our church also does well at church discipline. For the life of me I cannot rememember or find the reference for this (can anyone help me?) but somewhere in the Bible it says that if your brother or sister is sinning, you should first try to address it one-on-one with him and if he does not listen and does not want to repent, then some of the elders should be brought in. Then if he still doesn't listen you bring in more leadership. Sometimes it even has to go public like it did in our church when one of the guys who was in leadership was engaging in pre-marital sex and other reckless behaviour with his girlfriend. They wound up pregnant and church leadership ended up addressing it in a public setting. So there are some things that our church does well.....we just need to get the love part down. Like, I really wonder what the people at our church would do if they asked someone how they were doing and the individual replied "Actually I feel like killing myself today. How about you?" I say this because I struggle with depression and when I hit my lowest points I sometimes am suicidal. I just hate having to pretend that everything is perfect when I go to church. Whatever happened to being human? Like did I miss the passing out of the superhuman/perfect life pills when I became a Christian or what? I think a lot of Christians (and churches) need to wake up and realize that it is all right to be human and let others be humans. It is all right to address that people are having a rough go of it. Who ever said that life was going to be easy? (Again, if anyone said that, did I miss it?). Acknowledging that someone is having a hard time does not mean that you have to have the answer. Sometimes a hug and a "do you want to talk to a pastor?" or "is there someone I can call?" or even just "its ok to cry" can greatly help. One of the moments I felt most loved at Bible College was the second semester I was there. I was really really depressed and calling home never ever helped because it would make me even more scared and depressed. I remember saying goodbye to my parents one day and then just bawling. A girl from our dorm floor that I didn't even know asked me if I was OK. I said no and she asked if I needed a hug. She held me and let me cry on her shoulder. No one else had done that for me, not even my friends when I was crying through supper in the cafeteria. I knew that that girl could not instantly fix me, but her just letting me be real and vulnerable made me feel that much better.

There, that's my rant. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it. I know that if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. So if I want people to allow me and others to be vulnerable, I need to allow them to be vulnerable. Just need to figure out what that will look like in a setting like our College and Career.....maybe just asking better questions other than "how are you? How's work/school?" Maybe asking about best and worst parts of the week? It seems its always easy to pick out problems but the solutions seem so much harder.....anyone have any suggestions?

Tidbits of Happiness

OK, so generally I have come to despise first week of classes: there are just too many people everywhere you turn and everyone is basically confused. There is one thing I like about being back at school though and that's seeing some familiar faces that I have not seen in awhile. What really makes me happy though is when people take the time to say your name when they see you. It is just a little thing but it means a lot. When someone takes the time to personally acknowledge me by remembering and saying me name rather than the general "hey" or "hi" it just makes my day. Like today when I was waiting at a crosswalk for the light to change, a car went by and I heard someone shout "Karen!" I looked to see some girls from one of my home towns in a car. One of them was leaning out the passenger's side and waving her arms, yelling my name. It made me grin from ear to ear and I really do like smiling that big. Smiling a good genuine smile just kind of warms me from the toes up and makes me feel good. I was once told that I had a great smile because it lights up my whole face and so I hope that my smile makes the person who acknowledged me feel good too. I think I am going to make more of an effort to greet people by name. Who knows, if there are people that appreciate the simple things like me, maybe I'll make someone's day.

That's where I come from, that's who I am

Yes, all of you country fans will recognize the title as a quote from Paul Brandt's song "Small Town, Big Dreams". It really sums up how I feel about the farm. I just got back from a visit to the farm. I love going to the farm because it gives me time to refocus and remind me of who I am. There are no mindless distractions there: we only have 2 T.V. channels and Mom and Dad don't have the Internet. When I go to the farm, my world is technologically silent. I do not spend my time mindlessly in front of the television or computer. Rather, my hours are spent going for walks, helping Mom in the kitchen or in the garden or with whatever is going on depending on the season. Being on the farm reminds me of much more productive ways to spend time. I know that since I have moved to the city I have become lazy. Being on the farm this weekend and helping Mom with garden stuff reminded me that somewhere deep down inside me there is a Karen that is a hard worker and loves to work with her hands. Being on the farms reminds me of all the hopes and dreams I had growing up, of the ambitious person I once was. Sometimes in the city everyone seems to have it all together and I feel like a failure because I don't have my whole life planned out. Being on the farm just reminds me of the potential that is within me. Seeing my parents hopes for my future inspires me.

The farm is also a good place to go for some peace and quiet. I just marvel at how silent it is in the morning when you wake up. Its as if the whole world has stopped in that moment. Well, that is until the farmers get out in the field and start harvesting (which I didn't see a lot of when I was at home because it was raining). The air is fresh and clean and you can hear so much that you seem to miss in the city: the birds singing in the morning, the gentlest breeze in the leaves of the trees. AHHH......I love the farm. It is where I long to be someday.